


forgive me for not being what I'm not

by acreofsky



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: M/M, PWP, i don't know how to warn for these things and i am sorry, mild... bondage?, taking limiters off during sex?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-01-22
Packaged: 2018-03-08 15:54:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3214919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acreofsky/pseuds/acreofsky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There were things Hakkai and Goku were never gonna get from anyone else. This was for the things that no one else, besides the two of them, was ever gonna understand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	forgive me for not being what I'm not

**Author's Note:**

> Song title from "The Traitor" by Sea Wolf.
> 
> Takes place sometime after Sanzo leaving, but after Sanzo came back? Since the fight between them both without their limiters on is referenced, and all.

There were things the two of them were never gonna get, from anyone else. That was what this was for—the things that no one else, besides the two of them, was ever gonna understand.

That was why he’d told Hakkai, who’d gotten curious after watching him turn away the third girl who tried to come up to him, _I don’t think I ever want anyone to trust me like that_ — _everyone else is so fragile, even other youkai. If I’m not paying attention, I never know how much strength I’ve got. It’s scary._

And Hakkai had laughed and said, _there’s no one better to trust in the world than someone with a heart like yours. If that’s something you want, then you should find a way to trust yourself. Don’t get me wrong—I understand your fear—humans seem fragile to me, too—but…_

_But what?,_ Goku’d asked.

* * *

 

“So,” said Hakkai. “How shall we do this?”

Goku was absurdly grateful that it was Hakkai he was doing this with, not a random person in a bar somewhere—even though, in this light, monocle set aside on the table, Hakkai almost looked unrecognizable.

He didn’t wanna do this with anyone else, but with Hakkai… The thought kinda sent a shiver down his spine. Even when they’d fought, that awful night when Sanzo had left, even as far gone as he’d been without his limiter on, he’d half-recognized Hakkai. He hadn’t wanted to fight him, really, he’d wanted to _play_.  


This wasn’t necessarily what his limiterless self had wanted, but it was pretty damn close.

“Well,” said Goku. “I like kissing, so…”

“I can do kissing. Kissing’s nice,” said Hakkai.

“Okay,” said Goku. “So, um, what else do you like?”

The bed creaked underneath them as Goku shifted. Hakkai’s real eye was nearly dark, a slim ring of green around the edges.

“I like,” Hakkai said, as easily as if he was talking about a grocery list, “to be held down. You can pin down my wrists. I might ask you to take one of my ear cuffs off. If you don’t mind, I don’t think penetration of any kind is on the table for me tonight. I’d rather not fuck you either.”

_Oh_.

_Oh_ , Goku thought again, the thought of it nearly knocking the breath out of his body.

“Shit,” blurted out Goku. “Yeah. I mean, yeah. That’s fine. The ear cuff thing, too. That’s more than fine.”

Hakkai laughed, the kind of low chuckle he got if he had to do some serious damage, and Goku shifted, the sound of it making him hard already. Yeah, he wasn’t fooled. Hakkai might like to be held down, but Hakkai also liked a good pretense of weakness.

(Hakkai didn’t think himself so trustworthy, either.)

“So,” said Hakkai. “Is that all the boundaries you’d like to set for now?”

“Um, yeah, I think so,” said Goku.

“Good,” said Hakkai. “Now, if something’s not working for you, I _want_ you to let me know. You should know that already, but I want to say it. Do you understand?”

“Yeah. Same to you, I guess,” said Goku. Hakkai smiled at him.

“Then let’s begin,” he said, and the brush of his fingertips against Goku’s chin was almost too much by itself, the thrill of excitement pounding in his chest.

Hakkai held back while kissing him, made Goku chase him, throw an arm around his neck. And yeah, Goku loved this part, loved Hakkai’s tongue against his lips and against his own, loved the way that Hakkai’s touch was so soft.

He could follow. That was easy.

Hakkai’s hair stood up easily if ruffled, he had the worst bedhead of any of them, and Goku liked the softness of it, so he ruffled it a lot. It didn’t take long before Hakkai’s hair was mussed far beyond what normally would have left him trying to fix it in the mirror for hours before they left. It made Goku pretty happy also to see the bulge in Hakkai’s tight pants, and he undid the button and unzipped them, shoving up Hakkai’s shirt for better access. The tip of Hakkai’s cock poked out over the edge of his briefs, already damp.

Hakkai clutched Goku’s arm, and Goku froze.

“Leave it for now,” he said, and his voice was so rough that for a second Goku honestly thought he was going to come right then and embarrass himself in front of Hakkai.

Hakkai ran his hand down Goku’s sides, cupping his ass and pulling him forward, shifting so his feet were on the bed and he was underneath Goku. Goku moaned, and ground their hips together.

“Now you can pin me down,” said Hakkai. “Hold my wrists above my head, yes, like that.”

Goku wasn’t quite tall enough to do it, so Hakkai had to bend his arms down a little so his hands were tangled in his hair, and then they could do it.

It was Hakkai’s turn to moan as he thrust his hips up with Goku’s, cock still held in place by his briefs. Goku sat down more firmly, pinning Hakkai’s hips, too.

Hakkai drew in a shaky breath, cheeks flushed.

“You’re holding back,” he said. “I could get out, if I wanted.”

“Well, yeah?” said Goku, confused. “I mean, I don’t want to _actually_ trap you.”

“Okay,” said Hakkai, “Ordinarily, I don’t ask for this, but I think—I think I’d actually like for you to hold me so I couldn’t get out. That requires different planning.”

“Oh,” said Goku. “Um, so you need a signal if you want out, right?”

He vaguely remembered that was how people did things.

“Yes,” said Hakkai. “I’ll say Sanzo if I want out.”

“That’d do it,” agreed Goku, and he pressed down harder, till his knuckles were white and Hakkai could test the pressure of his wrists against Goku’s, and not budge them an inch. Hakkai arched his throat, and Goku kissed it, laying fully across Hakkai’s torso and letting Hakkai’s cock brush his ass, pressing his own to Hakkai’s soft stomach.

Hakkai—clever, frightening Hakkai—pinned beneath him, looked so small. Goku knew he was still taller, but like this, Goku realized—he was _much_ stronger than Hakkai, and Hakkai was so much stronger than anyone else he knew that he almost couldn’t comprehend it.

_What do I look like to them?_ he wondered.

“So,” said Goku, “should I come all over your shirt, or—?”

“I don’t care,” said Hakkai, breathless.

Moving Hakkai’s hand over to the other side of his head was kind of awkward, but Goku could hold Hakkai as tight as Hakkai wanted with only one hand, and maybe Hakkai didn’t realize that, ‘cause Hakkai tested the strength of his wrist bonds again. Goku stretched his left hand over both of Hakkai’s thin wrists and used his right to unbutton his pants and draw down the zipper. He let himself stroke his cock a couple times, knuckles grazing against Hakkai’s stomach. Hakkai relaxed under his touch, exhaling against his cheek.

“I knew you could do it,” said Hakkai, still breathless. “I knew if you wanted, you could hold me back. If you want, you can take off an ear cuff. Not all of them, but maybe just… one. I always wondered.”

Goku leaned down, starting with a kiss at Hakkai’s chin, and making his way up to the ear. He sucked on Hakkai’s earlobe a few times until Hakkai was trying in vain to grind up against him. The bed creaked underneath them, a little bit worryingly.

“I know if I take one off,” said Hakkai, “I still keep my mind, for a little while. It’ll have to go back on soon. Everything’s just brighter and the smells are stronger and touch is—you know?”

Hakkai met Goku’s eyes, searching his face for something like forgiveness that Goku didn’t know if he could give. But Goku had understanding to offer at least, and he nodded.

“When my limiter’s off,” said Goku, whispering into Hakkai’s ear, “everything feels so good. Even the wind in my hair, or just the sun on my face.”

He tugged one of Hakkai’s limiters off with his teeth, as gently as possible, not because his hands were busy but because he could, and a low growl started up in Hakkai’s throat as his ears grew longer and the vines crept up around his neck from where they started at his heart.

He wriggled back down until Hakkai’s cock was flush against his ass again, though Goku still wore his pants and he wasn’t gonna take them off, and Hakkai sighed, grinding up into him. His claws grew out, and Goku kinda wished he could take off his limiter, too.

Goku’s cock was leaving wet streaks of precome all over Hakkai’s shirt. He leaned forward again and sucked on Hakkai’s ear, and Hakkai relaxed into it, arching up to him.

And then, suddenly, the vines were around Goku’s back and his legs and creeping up. Hakkai’s real eye had gone split-pupil, the biomechanical one still human-looking, and he raised an eyebrow at Goku.

“Well, I didn’t actually think I could take you,” said Goku. “At least not like this. And not for long.”

“Oh, but that’s half the fun of it,” said Hakkai. A shudder wracked him, eyes fluttering shut. “Perhaps you should put my limiter back on. It might be… safer.”

“Hm,” said Goku, burying his nose into Hakkai’s neck, where Hakkai’s hair was starting to curl out, having grown longer with the removal of the limiter. “Yeah, maybe. If you want me to.”

“If you don’t mind keeping me in check… I don’t want you to put them back on.”

(And here was the other thing that Goku had never understood about Hakkai until tonight, a vague glimmer of understanding that he’d gotten while they’d spoken, in hushed tones, about what they were going upstairs to do—but now, he found the words for it: Hakkai could never exactly be happy until he felt like he was doing something _wrong_. They weren’t, or else Goku wouldn’t be okay with it. But if Hakkai wanted to feel like that, Goku wasn’t gonna tell him otherwise.)

Hakkai smelled good. Goku knew that he had a heightened sense of smell, compared to most people. He smelled like sweat and salt and like things Goku had never heard described, like—summer, like the feeling you got in your muscles when you sat down after working hard. Heat and blankets and dust from the winds they’d driven through.

Goku could breathe him in forever.

Something sharp and thin ran down his spine, and Goku arched into it, before realizing what it was—he’d let one of Hakkai’s hands out, lost in thought.

“Careful,” said Hakkai, drawing his claw back up to Goku’s chin. Goku let it guide him, even if it meant letting Hakkai’s sharp claw drag lightly across his throat. “Unless… Goku, did you _want_ me to get out?”

Goku caught Hakkai’s wrist in his hand and forced it back down. Now he’d need both hands, apparently.

“Smart,” said Hakkai, looking up at him through half-lidded eyes. Goku kissed him again, and this time there were more teeth and tongues clashing, this time, cornered, Hakkai chased Goku, arching up into the kiss and pressing their cocks together, until Goku shivered and came, grinding against Hakkai through it. He dropped his head next to Hakkai’s cheek.

“Perfect,” murmured Hakkai, nearly whispering it into his ear. “But I do hope you have my limiter, still.”

“Yep,” said Goku. It gleamed where it had caught on a fold in the bedsheets, about a foot from Hakkai’s head. “If I let you go, are you gonna scratch me with your claws?”

“I don’t _think_ so,” said Hakkai, baring sharp canines in a smile. His cock still pressed against Goku’s hip, hard.

Goku let one hand go, muscles stiff from holding Hakkai’s hands so tight, and reached between the two of them, stroking Hakkai's cock, hands sticky with his own come. Hakkai’s free hand found his hip, where Hakkai clutched him so tight that his nails dug into Goku’s skin.

“Ouch—”

Hakkai’s grip loosened.

“You did scratch me, though,” said Goku, voice low. “Thought you said you wouldn’t.”

Hakkai’s eyes widened briefly.

“Goku, I’m sorry—”

Goku slowed his pace, and Hakkai groaned.

“Oh, you are unfair,” said Hakkai, a slow, wicked smile spreading across his face again, and he shifted his hips up into Goku’s. That was almost too much—he was still sensitive— “Is this a punishment?”

“Nah,” said Goku, speeding up again. “Not really, anyway.” Hakkai relaxed against the bedsheets, breath coming faster.

“You could, you know. I’d like that.”

Oh, fuck—Hakkai, under him, begging for Goku to—

The other side of him, that he was always aware of, even with the limiter on, wanted him to say _yes_ so bad that it made Goku’s heart leap into his throat, wanted to hear Hakkai beg and swear and a million other things that Goku could not bear to think about—

“Nah. Maybe some other time.”

Hakkai nodded.

He didn’t look like a monster like this, not to Goku. A little more terrifying, a little crueler, but Goku still only saw Hakkai, endlessly patient and polite, who burned white-hot with frustration of every kind and kept a lid on it.

Goku loved him, he really did. Not… exactly like this, but enough that it bled over, so much that maybe doing this once wasn’t going to be satisfying.

Enough that it felt pretty damn good when Hakkai mumbled, “Goku,” in a tone Goku’d never heard him use before, and spilled over his hands. He stroked Hakkai through it, listening to his heart pound, and—just out of curiosity—licking a stripe up Hakkai’s stomach. Kinda… bitter, but Hakkai shivered.

“Put the limiter back on, _now_ ,” he said, voice rough.

“Yeah, okay.” Goku found it and tucked it back onto Hakkai’s ear. Hakkai sighed, vines receding, and hair getting short again.

“Thank you,” Hakkai said, soft fingertips finding Goku’s hips again. “For everything.” Goku shifted back on his heels so Hakkai could get out from underneath him, and Hakkai sat up, pulling him closer to kiss him again.

Their noses bumped into each other’s—a nice kiss, deep and gentle. Goku held Hakkai’s chin in his hands, resting his thumbs on Hakkai’s round cheeks, fingertips making their way into Hakkai’s hairline.

Goku wondered what Sanzo and Gojyo were up to. Probably getting drunk in the bar still, since Hakkai and Goku had said they weren’t up for doing that tonight and Sanzo and Gojyo could keep going with that until the early hours of the morning if Hakkai and Goku weren’t there to drag them to the inn rooms so they could actually leave and not be hungover in the morning.

Hakkai broke off the kiss, laying back down on the bed, and Goku followed suit.

“Sanzo and Gojyo will share the other room if we lock the door tonight,” Hakkai whispered. “If we pretend we don’t hear them knocking.”

“One of ‘em will be dead by morning,” said Goku. “I bet on—” He swallowed thickly, as the sudden realization that Sanzo didn’t know what was happening—and he’d never _not_ told Sanzo something like this before. “My bet’s on Sanzo surviving the night, so. You might wanna rethink that. For Gojyo’s sake.”

“They’ll be drunk and tired,” said Hakkai, tucking Goku’s hair behind his ear. Goku snorted.

“Yeah, I guess. And I’m tired, too. I kinda wanna just stay with you right now.”

Hakkai’s hands were rough where Hakkai rested them against Goku’s chest.

“I’d like you to stay here,” he said. Goku curled up closer to him, and the awkwardness of where their knees should have been came into play, as Hakkai threw an arm around him.

“Turn over, with your back to me,” he said, and Goku did, tucking himself into the curve of Hakkai’s torso and thighs. Goku sighed. Hakkai was warm.

“You’re kind,” Hakkai said, after a moment. “Goku, even the deepest, most demonic part of you loves. I’ve seen it. You might feel like a monster who’d rip through an entire town, but I’ve seen you stop because Sanzo looked you in the eye.”

_Maybe next time_ … Goku linked their hands.

“Doesn’t make the monster okay.”

There was a long pause between them, and Goku began to fall asleep, Hakkai’s breath tickling the back of his neck.

“There’s times for monsters,” said Hakkai, startling Goku awake again. “But you—more than any of us, in both your forms—know the difference.”

 


End file.
